In Bed With A Rope
by AhmoseInarus
Summary: Written for the Strangeness of September Challenge on CCOAC - The team goes out for Chinese, and has fun with Fortune Cookies! Rated M for sexual humor, just to be safe!


In Bed With A Rope

Ahmose Inarus

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Criminal Minds, blah blah blah...

* * *

Written for the Strangeness of September Challenge on ChitChat on Author's Corner Forum.

Chosen Characters: Penelope Garcia and Spencer Reid

Chosen Day: Fortune Cookie Day

* * *

Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner emerged from his office and blurted out, "I'm craving Chinese."

As this was very uncharacteristic for this man, his team of elite Supervisory Special Agents all looked up and stared at him, baffled and amazed. Veteran Profiler David Rossi sauntered out of his office and considered his younger Unit Chief.

"… Pregnant?"

"Shut up, Dave." Hotch snorted, turning his characteristic glare onto the only man on the face of the planet who was completely immune to its devastating effects. Indeed, Agent Rossi merely chuckled under the onslaught, which only served to darken the glare on Hotch's face.

"Alright, alright… if you want it that bad, I'm in."

"Excellent. Count me in, too!" JJ said from where she was perched on the edge of the desk of the team's newest member, Alex Blake, and once she had spoken up, she looked down at the brunette, expectantly.

"Okay, sure." Blake said after a moment. "I'm game."

"This means you have no choice, stud muffin." Garcia announced, placing her hand on Derek Morgan's arm. Everyone immediately turned to look at their youngest, Dr. Spencer Reid.

"Oh… uh, actually, I'm kind of tired. I think I'm just going to head home and get some sleep." Reid said. Immediately, his team mates began to argue with him. "No, I'm just not… have a good night." Reid stammered, grabbing his messenger bag and leaving the bull pen. Garcia scowled.

"Oh no… He'll be there." She nearly growled, seizing her purse and stalking after him. "We'll meet you guys at the Golden Dragon!" And she disappeared into the other elevator, pursuing Reid.

Blake looked at Morgan, who grinned and shrugged, and began to gather his belongings. Hotch and Rossi went to do the same thing, and soon the team headed out.

Reid, in the meantime, was heading towards the subway, ready to get home. He didn't pay any attention to the carr behind him, until the bright orange was seen in his peripheral vision. He turned his head and looked down as the woman cruised beside him. Garcia was glowering at him.

"Garcia…" He said with a slight smile. "I'm really not up to going."

"In." She commanded.

"Garcia, no!" Reid laughed.

"IN!"

"NO!"

Garcia stopped the car and flung the door open saying "You, my sweet little butter cream, have not been out with the team in ages, you do NOT have a choice!" Reid yelped as she first snatched his messenger bag and flung it into the passenger seat, but then she planter he hands onto his chest and SHOVED.

* * *

Morgan, Hotch, JJ, Rossi and Blake, who were all heading to their own cars, turned at a distant scream. They watched as Redi went tumbling into the back seat of Garcia's convertible and then the woman hopped in and drove away, Reid's legs still flailing in the air as he struggled to right himself.

"… Did we just witness an unwilling abduction?" Rossi asked, amused. Hotch opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, and then just shrugged and headed to his car. Rossi and Morgan exchanged glances, and then followed suit, chortling the whole way.

"Ummm…"

"He should know better than to say 'no' to Garcia by now." JJ interrupted before Blake could speak, and the two women followed the men, grinning.

The employees and patrons of the Golden Dragon all stared when a brightly colored woman burst into the restaurant, dragging a very disheveled, whiny man into the establishment by the necktie.

"Sit." The woman commanded when they arrived at a large table in the corner. "SIT! Don't make me hurt you!"

"Garcia, I just—"

"SIT!" The woman called Garcia nearly shouted, picking up a pair of chopsticks and holding them up as if to stab the man. His mouth snapped shut and he plopped down into the chair, eyes wide. The woman immediately melted into a relaxing smile and sat beside him. "There you go… see? Everything is so much better when you just LISTEN to me!" And she handed him a menu. He sighed and drooped, accepting the menu, and his defeat. Less than five minutes later, a group of people walked into the restaurant and joined the odd pair in the corner.

"You know, I think you just committed an illegal act back there, Garcia." Blake said, sitting down on Reid's other side, while Morgan sat on Garcia's other side. Hotch sat beside Blake, Rossi beside Hotch, and JJ between Morgan and Rossi.

"What do you mean?"

"You forcibly abducted Reid!" Morgan laughed, and Garcia just grinned.

"Yeah, but he knows better than to press charges." She pointed out, and Reid gave her a look. A few minutes later, the waitress came over and took their orders, and the team snickered as Reid requested a fork.

"Reid… you really need to learn to use chopsticks." Morgan laughed.

"No." Reid said stiffly. "No I don't."

"I'll teach you, pumpkin." Garcia crooned.

"Maybe later." Reid snorted. "You already brought me here against my will, let's not push it."

"Push what?" Garcia asked, an evil grin on her face.

"Bite me." Reid snorted.

"When, where and how hard?" Garcia asked, and the team broke into laughter at the look on Reid's face.

"I'm just going to stop talking now…" Reid muttered, and Garcia gave him a hug and kissed his cheek, finally drawing out a smile from the cranky genius. Their food was delivered a few minutes later, and the team dug in eagerly. Reid was no exception. Conversation tapered off for the first ten minutes while each and every person soothed the savage, growling beast that was their stomach, and once that edge was taken off, discussions began to pick up again.

"That was one of the funniest things I'd seen in a while." Blake admitted with a grin. "Seeing his legs up in the air like that as she just tore down the street." And everyone laughed at the grinning Garcia and the blushing Reid.

"I didn't expect her to do that!" Reid wailed.

"None of us did, kid." Rossi chuckled. "Though I don't know why we were so surprised… we've worked with her long enough." Garcia gave Rossi a cheeky wink, and Reid grumbled into his noodles.

The rest of dinner passed in companionable conversation, sake being passed around, and when their plates had been cleared away and their sake tumblers were empty, a large platter of fortune cookies was set down. Garcia grabbed them and passed them out, two to each person. Then she opened hers, broke the cookie, and pulled out the fortune. Clearing her throat, she read it out…

"Others admire your flexibility… in bed with a rope." Hotch choked on his drink, while Reid signed in resignation. JJ and Morgan were grinning eagerly.

"What the hell?" Rossi asked.

"In bed with a rope." Garcia said.

At Rossi's blank look, JJ patiently explained to him and Blake, "You read your fortune and take on 'in bed with a rope' at the end."

"Ahh… no thanks." Rossi said shaking his head.

"Resistance is futile." Reid recited in a monotone voice, that let Hotch, Rossi and Blake know that he spoke from experience. Garcia beamed at him.

"Come on, it's funny!" Morgan announced, breaking open his cookie next. He read it, then laughed.

"Read it!" Garcia urged.

"Fortune tells us that a palm can say a lot. Especially when it smacks… in bed with a rope."

"Ooooohhh… things just got kinky!" Garcia giggled in delight, and Morgan grinned, eating his cookie while JJ cracked hers open.

"… Aspire to be great, then give everything you have… in bed with a rope." The team laughed appreciatively, and then all looked at Rossi. He just sighed in a harassed manner and opened his fortune cookie.

"… someone is a smartass…" He grumbled. "A man with brown eyes has a surprise for you… in bed with a rope." And he turned and eyed Hotch suspiciously. Hotch, trying not to grin, put his hands up in a defensive pose.

"Not me, Dave." And the team broke into laughter again. Hotch, still smiling, opened his fortune… and deadpanned.

"Well?" JJ asked.

"Behind every great man, there is an even better man." Hotch read, stoically. There was a moment of silence, followed by roaring laughter.

"So who is behind YOU, Hotch?" Morgan joked. Hotch gave him a dirty look, which was promptly transferred to Rossi when the veteran profiler announced, "Me, who else?!" And everyone laughed again.

"Alright alright." Blake grinned, holding up her fortune. "A thrilling time is in your immediate future… in bed with a rope… Hmmmm… I guess this means I should call my husband." And the team grinned.

"Your turn, Reid." Blake said, looking down at Reid, who was hunched over his fortune and blushing.

"… Every exit is an entrance to new experiences… in bed with a rope…" Reid mumbled, and slouched down, turning red as the team exploded into hysterical laughter.

When things died down, Garcia opened her second cookie. "Our first love and last love is self-love… in bed with a rope. Hmmmm… I'm gonna have fun with myself tonight…"

"Garcia, please." Hotch said, looking slightly disturbed by this announcement.

"Alright, my turn!" Morgan announced, cracking open his cookie. "Perhaps you've been focusing too much on yourself... in bed with a rope."

"Wow. A LOT of self-love going on here…" JJ drawled, and the team laughed as the blonde broke open her cookie. "Your smile makes everyone realize that the world is a lovely and beautiful place… in bed with a rope."

"Niiiice…" Blake and Garcia both drawled, grinning at JJ. The men met amused glances and then chuckles went around the table.

Rossi opened his cookie and read, "It's easier to resist at the beginning than at the end… in bed with a rope. Well YEAH… I didn't need a fortune cookie to tell me that! In the beginning you're not tied up, of COURSE it's easier to resist!" The team laughed as Rossi mumbled a couple of insults to the cookie under his breath as he ate it.

Hotch picked up his fortune, and his eyebrows shot up. "Uh… This is a night for love and affection… in bed with a rope." The team stared.

"So… who's goin' home with Hotch tonight?" Morgan asked, and the team burst out laughing as the Unit chief once more shot Agent Morgan a look. Blake just smiled and shook her head, opening her second cookie.

"You will do well to expand your horizons… in bed with a rope. Hm… I guess that could be fun."

"Niiiice." Garcia grinned, and the pair raised their glasses and clinked them together. "Okay Reid."

"… I don' wanna." Reid squeaked, staring at his fortune.

"Come on, kid!" Morgan encouraged. Reid shook his head.

"Reeeeid…" Garcia said in a warning tone.

"Nooo!"

"Come on, Spence." JJ laughed.

"Yeah, go ahead, kid. Can't be that bad." Rossi said.

"Reid…" Hotch sighed. "Just read it."

"… It is impossible to please everyone… please yourself first… in uh… in bed with a rope…" Reid mumbled.

There was a long pause, and then the team burst into raucous laughter. Reid groaned and let his face call into his hands.

"Well, we certainly have a LOT of self-pleasure going on in this team!" Blake grinned.

"Just keep it to yourselves…" Hotch said, rolling his eyes.

"I hate this game!" Reid wailed.

"Why?" Blake asked.

"Reid always gets the BEST ones." Morgan laughs.

"THE WORST ONES!" Reid cried.

"Depends on your point of view." Hotch chuckled, and Reid slumped down again.

"Let's get some more!" Garcia announced, and Reid shot out of his seat like he'd sat himself on a tack yelling "NO!"

"Alright, alright…" Garcia said. "So who are you gonna get a ride home from? Alex, so you can… expand your horizons in a thrilling way in bed with a rope?" Blake quirked a brow as Reid's eyes popped. "With Hotch for a night of love and affection? Will he be behind you, or you behind him?" Hotch grinned as Reid whined and covered his face with his hands. "Or you could go with Rossi and try to resist, while being that brown eyed man who surprises him… or go with Morgan who focuses too much on himself…"

"Hey!"

"Or his palm can say a lot to you when it smacks you on your fine little—"

"GARCIA!" Reid shrieked, mortified.

"You wanna come with me and… admire my flexibility…?"

"Alright, alright… Stop trying to pimp the poor kid out." Morgan laughed. "Come on, Reid… I'll drive you home." And he clapped Reid on the back and Reid scuttled out of the restaurant after him.

"Garcia… really?" Hotch said, turning and looking at the woman.

"What can I say? It's just too much fun to mess with him." And she gave her boss a cheeky wink, grabbed her purse and headed out to her car, calling "Good night!" over her shoulder.

Hotch and Rossi exchanged looks, and then they headed out with the rest of the team.

* * *

**NOMINATIONS HAVE STARTED FOR PROFILER'S CHOICE CRIMINAL MINDS FANFIC AWARDS!**

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